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I LIKE THE TORTURE IN YOUR EYES

 You are a 'social smoker' but you're always with people Brad, but I don't mind. You are drunk, staggering and you buy a cigarette for yourself, 'just one, one doesn't hurt.' That's what you've been saying the whole night, Brad. 

You have no lighter of your own because that'll make you a real smoker, so you do what all cigarettes yearn for - ask for a lighter from a gentleman smoking in the warm summer night but he is just like you so you have to do the cigarette kiss.

You both position yourselves for the great moment, you wish the moment will be as brief as possible. You haven't decided who will lean first so you both lean in at the same time. You are shorter than him so you're starting to feel weird, but don't worry, Brad, freedom is calling you in a few seconds.

You finally lean in even though your drunk self is acutely aware of how gay it is, but you are not homophobic and you're also a secure straight man. You wonder if you should close your eyes because the other guy's eyes are wide open and he seems like a guy who might change his mind halfway and violate your mouth instead. But closing your eyes reminds you of your pretty girlfriend so you say, 'damn it, let's do it with eyes open.' 

You're both drunk so your bodies are not steady, each time you go in for the kill, you miss the other guy's cigarette by an inch and he does the same so you almost kiss for real. But then, overcome with dread, you decide to lock in and you finally do it. Hurray! You're still disgusted by the ordeal but a few moments later, the amazing head rush convinces you that it was worth it. 

Those are the moments we cigarettes live for. Like you humans have your kiss, we have the cigarette kiss. That's the closest we can get to getting laid - the anticipation, the misses, and then the explosive contact, oh God! 

It also happens once in a while, so it's kinda like your sex life. But most of all, we love how it tortures you, especially insecure straight men like you. What are you so afraid of, Brad? What's so wrong with your lips being a few inches from another man's? Surely the cigarette acts like a barrier; as if any of you will abandon the sweet feeling of drunk smoking for a sloppy kiss!

Anyway, Brad, good talk. Don't start smoking 'for real,' because that'll mean I'll have to be celibate for a while. Cheers!


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