Skip to main content

I LIKE THE TORTURE IN YOUR EYES

 You are a 'social smoker' but you're always with people Brad, but I don't mind. You are drunk, staggering and you buy a cigarette for yourself, 'just one, one doesn't hurt.' That's what you've been saying the whole night, Brad. 

You have no lighter of your own because that'll make you a real smoker, so you do what all cigarettes yearn for - ask for a lighter from a gentleman smoking in the warm summer night but he is just like you so you have to do the cigarette kiss.

You both position yourselves for the great moment, you wish the moment will be as brief as possible. You haven't decided who will lean first so you both lean in at the same time. You are shorter than him so you're starting to feel weird, but don't worry, Brad, freedom is calling you in a few seconds.

You finally lean in even though your drunk self is acutely aware of how gay it is, but you are not homophobic and you're also a secure straight man. You wonder if you should close your eyes because the other guy's eyes are wide open and he seems like a guy who might change his mind halfway and violate your mouth instead. But closing your eyes reminds you of your pretty girlfriend so you say, 'damn it, let's do it with eyes open.' 

You're both drunk so your bodies are not steady, each time you go in for the kill, you miss the other guy's cigarette by an inch and he does the same so you almost kiss for real. But then, overcome with dread, you decide to lock in and you finally do it. Hurray! You're still disgusted by the ordeal but a few moments later, the amazing head rush convinces you that it was worth it. 

Those are the moments we cigarettes live for. Like you humans have your kiss, we have the cigarette kiss. That's the closest we can get to getting laid - the anticipation, the misses, and then the explosive contact, oh God! 

It also happens once in a while, so it's kinda like your sex life. But most of all, we love how it tortures you, especially insecure straight men like you. What are you so afraid of, Brad? What's so wrong with your lips being a few inches from another man's? Surely the cigarette acts like a barrier; as if any of you will abandon the sweet feeling of drunk smoking for a sloppy kiss!

Anyway, Brad, good talk. Don't start smoking 'for real,' because that'll mean I'll have to be celibate for a while. Cheers!


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Rhetoric of Politics

 Let's attempt to dissect some politics, shall we? I am one of those people who pride themselves on 'not engaging in politics.' Some say that to appear sophisticated, out of the ordinary, because 'politics is a game enjoyed by retards.' I am not one of those. I just don't see the appeal. But. Hailing from a country like Kenya, politics is shoved down your throat, and you either swallow it in all its ugliness or puke it. Let's pretend to swallow it for a moment. Plato, the man who summoned philosophy and beauty from Mt. Olympus and poetry from down below, used them to make a concoction that has been keeping us intellectually drunk for more than two millennia, had a lot to say about politics. And he did all that, to borrow from Will Durant's phrase, in lordly abandon.  First off, he claims that in order to understand politics, we have to be acquainted with the nature of men, for it is the people who are the key pieces in the chess that is politics.  If we ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tell Me about Yourself

 Tell me about yourself. Well, my good friend, I have never really known how to answer that query—though I have used it on many occasions myself in trying to get a damsel to be softer towards me. Never really worked though. Now that I am on the receiving end of that statement, I feel like I’m in front of a panel of interviewers, and I don’t know where to start. It is always my intention, when I coin that phrase to a damsel, to leave it as open as possible so that the other person is free to talk about any aspect of themselves that they like—because there are some parts of ourselves that we would prefer remain buried and unknown. I’ll take it that way in this case as well: just blabber on and on about everything about myself that you might like to hear. Let’s start then, shall we? I am a man. A young man, though I’m not sure how long I can use that label. Minutes to me feel like days, staggering by slowly, and years go by like hours. Yes, that is a line from Skyscraper Stan’s so...
Post a Comment
Read more

Why We Help Others

 Here we are again, dissecting an issue that's the core of most religions as we know them. Why do we help others? Should we? Do we have to?  What happens if we can help them but decide not to? The shortest answer, according to religion, is that God will punish us if we don't. But that's taking the easy way out; human nature is not that simple. Let's start by defining some terms. Morality. Plato says it is 'the effective harmony of the whole.'  Jesus said it is 'showing kindness to the weak.' Nietzsche says it is 'the bravery of the strong.' Elusive, I know. According to The Cambridge Dictionary, it is 'a set of personal or social standards for good or bad behavior and character.' Let's roll with that for now. A set of standards, personal or social, for good or bad behavior and character. By saying social or personal, that doesn't give our definition the exclusivity that we need, because there are things I would consider to be mora...
Post a Comment
Read more