Bite on Something

 I have read quite a lot about despair, about spiraling and falling to the depths of wretchedness and hit the rocks. But still I feel that not enough has been written on this terribly important topic. 

Life is an ocean and one can only hope that on that particular day, the waves and the tides will be kind to him and let him sail peacefully. Or at least wish that they're held up somewhere, tormenting another poor fellow. But one can't be lucky everyday, there are times when struggle and torment has to descend upon us, like lightning.

Sometimes I walk around and I watch a person moving with a dark cloud of unhappiness hovering over him until his shoulders are a little humped. They get used to dodging shots of life's ugly bullets and their shoulders adapted to it. Life throws jabs at them, and it never really misses, that formidable opponent. I make sure that I don't personify their struggles too much because then I will have to carry the heaviness with them, and that coupled with my own struggles, might just cause me to drop dead. But I can't ignore them completely either, so I have acquired a skill of watching them from afar - without putting too much thought and when possible, bombard my mind with random thoughts at once in an attempt to dilute the original one.

Watching a person climb that mountain of disorder, step by step, just to reach the top and realize that it resembles the bottom of a long and endless pit. Pain refuses us the will to live, it robs us of the simplicity of appreciating the little things - how can one marvel at the beauty of a butterfly, or the endless chatters of young children when the stomach won't stop growling?

Others are knocked out by life's treacherous escapades that they start saying their thoughts out loud without their knowledge, only to be taken aback by the inquisitive stares that people throw at them. And that causes a cold shudder to materialize inside them, and then more panic. Sometimes it becomes confusing to differentiate between their own thoughts and conversations they had with other people because they were both said out loud. 

It is of no use to ask how one ends up into such an ugly place, what matters is how to endure it, to emerge from the other side with one's sanity still intact. Having to live life with so many trifles, so many troubles, each having its own demands and solutions. Having to depend on other people who have no visible physical advantages over you. Begging around not for anything important, just for survival needs. As Marmeladov in Crime and Punishment articulated, 'For beggary a man is not chased out of society with a stick, he is swept out with a broom, so as to make it as humiliating as possible.' 

That's no way to live life, living life on the edge, flirting with starvation and malnutrition numbs a person's soul and slowly puts off that flame that is supposed to burn brighly as long as a person still breathes. It is that fire that causes us to advance through life with assurance, to take risks, whether calculated or not. When that flame is no more, a person simply gives up having accepted his fate, lays down his neck and positions himself for the sword to do what needs done, praying that it achieves it in one swift swing. Maybe even take a moment to fantasize about what the next life might unleash.

Even so, despair has been an important facet of human life. Many a people have been given a temporary boost of motivation and optimism after seeing an open window that might change their fortunes forever - and when they make a run for it, sometimes they succeed and the rest of the times they are thankful for they have been rescued from the brink of eternal damnation. If not for anything else, struggle stimulates the creative falculties, acting as a muse for some great creations. 

There is also the coping mechanism. Being afraid to let things go, we have to find an outlet to channel our frustrations. We need somewhere to offload all the weight, to abandon the waste and then hope that everything will somehow fall into place. Or maybe cling to the seductive appeal of substances, as we can achieve a temporary situation of pure bliss, as substances are charming - they are quite capable of freezing the struggles and elevating 'happiness.' If anything, the substances can shorten the long days and in time, gives us the opportunity to disappear forever if consumed in excess over a period of time.

The ugliness of life is a universal randomness, one can never know where it will hit next. It doesn't hate those it incessantly tortures, it doesn't like them either. It just is. So the best course of action is to endure through it, to find something to bite on. To find something to hold onto until it passes. While at it, strap yourself with the right gear - to protect your internal flame, and to ensure your sanity doesn't slip away from your grip.